From Bothered to Balanced

Mastering Preferences, Values, and Integrity

humcollective community post from member Erin Ryan 

Read time: 6 min 

Moments of discomfort are actually important clues to something deeper. Ask yourself “What am I bumping up against here – preference, values, or integrity?” to stay aligned to yourself and maybe even less stressed. 

You know those meetings or conversations when someone says something that triggers an immediate physical reaction? Your heart races, your body tenses, and you start feeling warm, bristling at what’s just been said. You think, "Why would they say that? What are they thinking?"

Before long, you're on your way towards spiraling, irritated and frustrated. I’ve been there, and I know I’m not alone. It’s uncomfortable and exhausting.

I eventually got tired of feeling frustrated so I tried to dig in and figure out what this reaction was all about. The first answer I came to is that everyone is tired, stressed, working under tough conditions in a tough environment, its capitalism, its allergies, etc. But that’s probably always going to be true to some capacity, so what else? I needed to figure out how to manage myself if all that remains true.

Over time and thanks to some self-awareness work, I’ve discovered that these reactions and moments of discomfort hold clues to something deeper and signal when something is starting to infringe on one of three things: a personal value, a personal preference, or in the more serious examples, my integrity.

A personal value – you know what that is. I value connection, joy, wholeheartedness, and authenticity, among others. I work in corporate-land, and you can imagine how those personal values might not always align with day-to-day corporate life.

A preference – I thank my meditation practice and teachers for this one. Did you know we all have preferences, and it’s ok to have them, that ours are likely different from other people, and that we will be just fine if our preferences are not always followed? 🤯 I know! As a younger meditator, this was mind-blowing. Now a little older and wiser, it gives me language to understand what I’m feeling in situations where I personally would do something differently, and perhaps as a result I’m getting a little judgy of other people’s… choices… but it’s not something big enough to really stress about. Identifying something as a preference versus something more serious takes the charge out of it and helps me react at the right level. My preference is one thing, yours is another, and it doesn’t have to be a big deal or mean anything bad about either of us. I enjoy my preferences elsewhere in my life, so I can let this one roll off my back.

Integrity – again, you know what this is. This is for the biggies, the things you really can’t abide, when the consequences are more serious, and you have to speak up or take action.

Identifying these three things doesn’t always, or even often, change the outcome of a conversation or situation, but it very often changes my internal dialogue and reaction. Being able to identify which line is getting bumped up against helps me have an appropriate internal reaction.

Identify Your Triggers: Preferences, Values, or Integrity?

So what does this look like in real life?

I’m in a meeting or conversation and I start to bristle. It could just be a sense of annoyance or irritation, or maybe there are more physical clues like increased heart rate, feeling flushed, fidgeting, etc. I feel the overwhelming need to jump into the conversation and say my piece, tell everyone what they should do and why I am right… you know the drill. Sometimes I do just that, and other times I catch myself and have a quick internal conversation with yours truly. “What am I bumping up against here – preference, values, or integrity? What can I be OK with? What can I do to maintain alignment with myself? What can I let go of?” The answer is usually that I’m bumping up against my preferences and values, and I often decide, “ah, I’m not going to worry about this one too much, I know what’s important to me and how I want to operate, so I’ll do that.” Sometimes I decide I have to push a little harder to stay in alignment with myself. On the biggies where personal integrity comes into play, I might step away and reflect a little further about what I’m comfortable with and what action is appropriate. In each case, this little internal conversation helps me maintain a sense of control when it feels like I don’t have much.

Bumping Up Against Preferences

Is something happening that’s not aligned with my preference? I have a preference for meeting-free mornings so I can ease into my day and because the early hours of the workday are great focus time for me. I don’t always get this because of my colleagues’ time zones and crazy calendars, but understanding it’s my preference and that’s why I might feel annoyed or tired when I don’t get it is so helpful. This awareness also helps me take action to block my calendar a couple mornings a week so I can get that focus time. Some more examples of preferences: one of us might prefer a lot of small talk at the beginning of a conversation or meeting, while someone else doesn’t. You might like a specific project template that makes sense to you, and I might prefer a different one that makes sense to me.

It’s often annoying when we have different preferences than other people, but they’re not deal breakers. It’s not the end of the world, and we can let this roll off our backs. So, the next time you feel irritation rising, pause and ask: Is this a difference in preferences? If so, can I let it go?

Misalignment With Your Values

Bumping up against personal values is a little harder, but again, the emotionally intelligent leader knows we all have different values and that we can find elements of shared values to get us through. I find that just recognizing when something is raising my hackles because it’s not aligned with my personal values immediately releases some of the pressure. Being able to say to myself, “Ah – I’m uncomfortable because this performance review does not align with my value of wholeheartedness. This person may not share that value,” lets me ask myself, “well – how can I maintain my value in this situation? What actions or thoughts can I take to keep myself in alignment? Can I carry on even if this action or project doesn’t fully align with my values?” Again, this is all happening internally, and it’s truly like nudging the steam valve on your instant pot – the pressure immediately starts to fizzle when I realize what the rub is and that there are at least some elements within my control. The project template that I didn’t prefer in the last example? When that turns into a poorly run project creating fire drills and chaos that impact my team’s time and sanity, it’s starting to infringe on my value of respecting others. With this information, I can decide what actions I want to take to influence the project and support my team. It’s a semblance of control!

When Integrity Is at Stake

Misalignment with integrity is sometimes the toughest one, and sometimes the most cut and dry. This one truly requires a pause and some reflection. What is causing the tension, and how can I stay in alignment with my own integrity? What can my involvement with this be? For me, I find the stress is usually warranted here because it forces me to pause and consider my next steps. Acting out of alignment with my integrity usually has much more severe consequences, whether they internally affect how I feel about myself or are externally tangible and affect others.

Connecting the Experience to the Science

After digging into Ciela’s recent post “Reclaim Your Center Before You Burn Out,” I think this internal conversation is doing a couple of things. It brings my interoception, or my inner awareness, together with outer awareness. It helps me understand how I feel, but also helps me understand what’s happening with others – I understand my own values, preferences, and integrity, and it shines light on how they differ from others. It also focuses on some strong “what” questions, which prompt more open-minded questions leading to deeper awareness, versus “why” questions, which keep us boxed in and can lead to less helpful answers. “What am I bumping up against?” versus “Why is this so frustrating?” The latter probably leads to answers outside of my control, while the former helps me find helpful ways to respond.

Give it a try! Next time you’re feeling your hackles rise, pause, reflect on what’s being triggered, and choose a response that helps you stay in alignment with yourself. And, when all else fails, let’s remember this trifecta: a glass of water, a little snack, and touching some grass. 

Have a few more minutes?

Have more than a few minutes? (lol)

Read or listen to The Way of Integrity: Finding the Path to Your True Self by Martha Beck. This book gave me some foundational perspectives about what it means to be in alignment with myself. It’s included in Spotify Premium!

Erin Ryan is a purpose-driven communications strategist with over 15 years of experience creating human-centered, impactful narratives that bring people and organizations together. She has a unique talent for weaving thoughtful storytelling with strategic clarity and takes a holistic and inclusive approach to shaping communications that reflect the heart of a business. Erin would love to hear from you on LinkedIn!

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